Ho-ho-ho, Dammit! - The Rest of the Story

'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
He was looking quite happy, all trim and sunburned
His sleigh had been emptied, and I'll bet you're all guessin'
If he did the same thing to his borrowed Smith & Wesson

Well the fact of the matter is in need of reporting,
Like the press oughta do about Clinton's cavorting!
Seems Santa encountered some trouble 'long the way,
'Cause some not-too-bright dirtbags tried to hijack his sleigh

When he left Christmas Eve, he was ready for action
And he made real good time, thanks to reindeer hoof traction
He had rag dolls, and capguns, baseballs and bats.
New dresses, toy airplanes, and a few dogs and cats.

Seems these wannabe grinches thought they were hot shooters
So's a bunch of 'em tried to be Christmas gift looters
But the one thing they hadn't expected to meet
Was a licensed St. Nick, packin' full magnum heat.

The night was still young, when these dipwits appeared
Their caps all turned backwards; at least one had a beard.
They were trying to look vicious, as they stood in his path
He could tell in an instant that they needed a bath

One fool made a grab for Comet and Cupid,
But froze when St. Nick had yelled "Hold it, there, stupid!"
When he leveled my sixgun at this crazy-eyed fellow
The snow at his feet turned a pale shade of yellow

"It was over real quick," Santa said with a chuckle
As he hauled out my Smith from behind his belt buckle
"Never fired a shot, never pulled back the hammer
"Got the cops on my cell phone, and sent 'em all to the slammer"

After that much excitement, 'twas a rest Santa needed
So with his gift-giving, he quickly proceeded
And when he was finished, Santa issued this order:
"Rudolph, old pal, take us south of the border!"

So now he was rested, and this stop was his last one
And he made it real clear, that it must be a fast one
With my piece back in lockup, he said "Thanks for the loan
"Next year, rest assured, I'll be packin' my own"

And just what, did I wonder, might then Santa unlimber?
A Colt, Sig or Taurus, a Glock or a Kimber?
Perhaps Heckler & Koch, a Kahr or a Ruger?
A wheelgun from Rossi, a Walther or Luger?

"I'm not sure," replied Santa, as he scoped out the weather,
"But I'll contact your buddy, Mitch Rosen, for leather.
"And now, I must leave you, until late next December
"But Dave, I assure you, I will always remember

"You did me a favor, and that's one I owe you
"So when I get my own gat, I'll be certain to show you
"In the meantime, ol' buddy, I'll scream it, I'll shout it
"If you're licensed to carry, don't you leave home without it!"